189

finally…

my computer broke a couple of weeks ago. it was working when i left for work, and when i got home, it wasn’t, and it wouldn’t restart. after fucking around with it for a couple days, i discovered that it was probably the power supply that had failed, but i didn’t have the time to determine if it was for sure or not, and i had to go play with the hippies for 4 days, so i didn’t get around to actually doing something about it until today. i actually took my computer somewhere, bear computers, and they fixed it for me while i was at work. now my main linux computer works again, which is good because windows, which was taking the place of linux (sort of) during the interim, seems to have developed a disagreement with the monitor – something linux doesn’t do – so i’m thinking something may be wrong with the video card, or whatever laptops have instead of video cards. thrill-a-minute… i get one computer working and another one breaks. i wonder if it will ever end?

the oregon country fair is over for another year – my second year attending, and tonight is the second anniversary of my injury. the hippie ineptitute factor seems to have attacked someone else this year. stuart and i drove to portland wednesday night, and proceded to veneta on thursday morning, i had no problems getting registered, we drove in to chela mela meadow(!) and unpacked the car in record time – i finished setting up camp around 1:30. i still had to wait in line about an hour and a half to get the priveledge of paying the hippie $5 to cut my wrist band off and make a laminated card out of it (the wristbands remind me too much of being in the hospital, and besides, the laminated card is a “collectors item”), but all in all, OCF was excellent. we played at the ritz sunday night, i actually took 5 one-hour saunas in 4 days, and left feeling cleaner than i came. it rained on saturday, but we were more prepared for the rain than we were in vancouver, so it wasn’t that bad, and besides, our stage – the “morningwood odditorium” – was one of the few venues that was covered, and so we got the people who were looking for shelter from the rain right when we were starting our shows. i latched on to the end of one of the parades featuring “The Fighting Instruments of Karma”, a group from seattle(!) which features a sousaphone player who has a really beautiful silver sousaphone, and took a whole bunch of pictures of people taking pictures, which i’m going to post in one form or another once i get my mac working. i got my little sivalingam “wrapped” in silver by a craftsman, so now i’m a “lingayat”, or a “person who wears a miniature sivalingam around their neck”, something i’ve wanted for quite a while. we did a burlesque show friday night that was so well recieved that we did another one on sunday night, after the ritz. hacki was there, who is a clown from germany that was part of the moisture festival, and his acts were sheer genius. it was also really cool to hang out with him backstage and smoke pot. i didn’t even remember that i had a computer until i came home…

of course, i came home and was suddenly struck with how much work there is to do… i still have a couple rooms full of boxes that need to be unpacked, i still have no shelves in the office, so i’ve got nowhere to unpack those boxes anyway, i’ve got 4 incense orders and a murti that i’ve got to order for customers, i’ve got to get the post office box and the billing address for hybrid elephant changed in reality and on the web site, but i still need an ethernet hub so that i can have more than one computer on at once…

and then there’s my job… sigh… i REALLY HATE being a wage slave… i returned to work on tuesday, and majid was frantic because “internet went down on thursday”, the day i left, and majid couldn’t figure out how to get it working again until monday – apparently earthlink changed something and it required that majid reboot his ethernet router – but he couldn’t figure out why his email wasn’t working… he wanted me to reboot the router, and unplug the router and connect the computer directly to internet, and a bunch of other useless tasks, and didn’t think that it was something wrong with outlook at all, until i looked at the server settings and discovered that his outgoing email server was set to 127.0.0.1… and then there was the job that i had sent to proof just before i left, which returned with an approval while i was gone. majid said he looked for the file, but couldn’t find it, so he ended up reproducing the file based on a scan of the file that i had sent out, except that it was wrong, and he couldn’t figure out how to fix it. i found the file in about 2 minutes, determined that he actually hadn’t looked for it – because its name included the work order number, which is how i found it – fixed the problem that majid had introduced by scanning the document and had plates ready for it in about 5 minutes… there were several other jobs like that, which were problems because majid doesn’t know what he’s doing, which i fixed almost immediately… but this is only wednesday! it feels like it should be thursday, because of all the screwups, chaos and hassle i’ve had to deal with since returning, combined with the fact that i REALLY didn’t want the oregon country fair to end just yet anyway…

meanwhile, my physical birthday was monday, big deal, and the cirque de flambe performances at sand point/magnuson park start in 19 days.

188

i’ve got to take a shower and shave my head, then i’ve got to start a load of laundry before bed. tomorrow i’ve got to get up extra early, because i’m not carpooling to work, so i’ve got to leave at 6:45 instead of 7:30. after a full day of work, i’ve got to come home and finish packing, then i’m going to the oregon country fair for the weekend. i’ll be returning on monday, which is my physical birthday (i’m going to be 45… wow!). then three days later (next thursday) is the 2 year anniversary of my brain injury.

my computer is dead, and i don’t know when it is going to be fixed. the problem is most likely either with the power switch on the front of the case, or the power supply itself, but i won’t know until i return from OCF, and probably not even then. it turns out there are no studs, or at least no discernable studs in the interior walls of this house, which doesn’t surprise me too much given it’s vintage, but it makes putting up shelves in the office a problem, and until i get shelves up, i essentially don’t have an office, which is not a good thing.

curse!

my primary machine, my linux computer, is broken. it was working fine on thursday morning when i was getting ready for work, and it was down and wouldn’t start when i got home. it may be just the power switch, but it may be worse… and, of course, i won’t have any time to do anyting about it for at least a week, because of barbecue, work, OCF, and a myriad of other things.

meanwhile, i’m almost caught up with the orders that came in during the time when we were moving, and i’ve got two new orders in the past two days… that’s good, i guess…

You Are 20% American
You’re as American as Key Lime Tofu Pie
Otherwise known as un-American!
You belong in Cairo or Paris…
Get out fast – before you end up in Gitmo!

186

HOW TO PREPARE YOUR COMPUTER FILE FOR PRINTING

we use both Mac and Windows operating systems with equal facility, so there’s no reason to prepare files specially for one or the other.

PAGE LAYOUT FILE FORMATS PREFERRED

quark xpress 4, 5
indesign CS2
freehand 7, 8, 9, 10
pagemaker 5, 6, 7
illustrator 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

acrobat 4, 5, 6 – files must be saved at a high resolution (“for printing”)

acrobat files that are meant to be printed on the press (instead of digitally) should be colour separated where necessary. if they’re not colour separated, we CAN NOT print them on the press.

we MIGHT be able to accept other page layout file formats as long as one of the above applications can open it.

we CAN accept microsoft word and microsoft publisher files, but we reserve the right to re-set the files using industry standard page layout applications if they give us problems. we CAN NOT get colour separated files from microsoft word.

if your file uses a particular font, please advise us of this when the file is delivered to us and be prepared to deliver the font files if necessary. we have a lot of fonts, so usually this is not necessary, but if you want a particular font and we don’t have it, your document WILL NOT print with the font you want unless it is provided to us.

GRAPHIC FILE FORMATS PREFERRED

native format files we can accept:

freehand 7, 8, 9, 10 – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
illustrator 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
photoshop 4, 5, 6, 7 – line art, greyscale, CMYK
The GIMP – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
corel draw – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK

CMYK stands for Cyan Magenta Yellow blacK. it is the way that files that are in “full colour” are printed. RGB stands for Red Green Blue, which is the way files that are in “full colour” are displayed on a computer screen. CMYK is an “additive” colour mode, whereas RGB is a “subtractive” colour mode. since printing is a process of “adding” ink to create a printed document, RGB is not an option, because it is not possible to take away ink once it is layed down. ALL FILES WHICH ARE IN A COLOUR MODE OTHER THAN CMYK WILL BE CONVERTED TO CMYK BEFORE PRINTING.

we MIGHT be able to accept other native file formats as long as one of the above applications can open it.

we CAN scan hi-res printed graphics. they will be turned into bilevel (one colour) .tif files, greyscale .eps files or CMYK .eps files, unless we receive specific instructions to do otherwise.

we CAN also accept the following graphic file formats

.jpg
.png
– MUST be 600dpi resolution or higher. colour files will be printed as greyscale, or as CMYK.
.gif

these file formats, plus scans, will most likely be converted into one of the following file formats, which are also acceptable:

.tif – one colour, no greyscale (line art only), 600dpi resolution or higher
.eps – CMYK, greyscale, or spot colour (if it’s set up for spot colour), 600dpi resolution or higher

dpi stands for Dots Per Inch. it is the industry standard measurement for the resolution of a printed graphic. it corresponds with ppi, which stands for Pixels Per Inch, which is the industry standard measurement for the resolution of a graphic on a computer display.

graphic files that are lower than 600dpi resolution will print, but they will look grainy and not at all like they look on your computer screen. this is because your computer screen is 72dpi resolution, regardless of what your screen resolution (ppi) is. the rule of thumb when it comes to creating graphics for printing is “bigger is better”. we can always make something smaller if necessary, but making things bigger is guaranteed to make the printing customer dissatisfied.

we CAN accept other graphic file formats, but we will probably convert them to either .tif or .eps before printing.

if your document contains graphics, you MUST include the source file for the graphic as well as the actual document, if you want your finished, printed document to contain graphics. if they’re not there, we WILL contact you to get them before we print your document, which wastes time and makes a tight deadline harder to keep.

CLEAN UP THE FILE! don’t leave unused graphics or bits of type on the pasteboard, but outside of the printing area of the document. also, don’t include layers that are “invisible” in the document that you wish to print. doing this leads to wasted time finding the links and fonts that are not used. the only things that should be in the file are things that are going to print. if it’s not going to print, then leave it out of the file all together.

where possible, make sure that the “paper size” of the document is the size of paper you want the finished print to look like. exceptions to this would be business cards that print on a “master” or imprints on already printed postcards.

where possible, put crop marks, registration marks, bleeds and so forth on a separate layer. they’re good for layout and proofing, but they’re not always so ideal when it comes to printing.

if the file was made for use on a macintosh, then you should compress the file before emailing it, because if you don’t, then what we receive on this end is a file that cannot be printed, or rescued for any purposes. please use stuffit compatible with Os9, or zip to compress your files.

185

i am beginning to hate indesign. i don’t really know what it’s like on the mac, but on the PC, we’re running indesign CS version 2, i think (although it could be version 3, for all i know), and it has already screwed up several jobs which i could have done more efficiently, and with fewer mistakes on the mac, using quark… except that for his own perverse reasons, majid insisted that i do the jobs using indesign, and then was surprised when they didn’t come out the way he (and i) expected. of course it’s my fault… it couldn’t possibly be the fact that THE SOFTWARE IS DEFECTIVE!!! it doesn’t matter that mistakes like a text box getting slightly narrower than it was originally set, thus making the text it contains go from one line to two lines, don’t happen when i use the mac and quark – i was supposed to notice that it had happened before the job got printed, and certainly before it was due TODAY

the week has gotten even more chaotic than it was before. i have 2 rehearsals, one yesterday and one tomorrow, plus my job, and when i get home, i still am in the middle of box hell despite my concerted efforts to end it, we’ve got a housewarming party on monday, and now, much to my chagrin, moe has decided that we have to go to portland to see her mother’s brother’s daughter (does that make her a cousin or a niece to moe? i’ve never been able to figure that out…), a person who i know only vaguely, get married – an act which everybody that i know, including moe’s mother, think is the worst possible mistake she could make, what with the fact that she’s just graduated from high school, her intended is in the military and will soon be shipped to iraq, and other "wonderful" things like that. so, instead of busting my ass getting ready (and probably failing, but at least i tried) for the party, i’ve got to go to the wedding of someone i don’t know and act like what she’s doing is the most wonderful thing ever, in spite of the fact that nobody believes it… which means that i will fail to get ready for the party, which will make moe upset… 8P

Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

Redmond, WA – Microsoft purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion after many months of tough negotiations.

“We’ve been after Satan for some time,” said CEO Steve Ballmer. “Negotiations were tough, but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal.”

Microsoft already controls 15% of the evil market, and with this purchase that number nears 100%. The Department of Justice voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and launched investigations.

“We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop,” said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. “Businesses haven’t been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office XP, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity.”

“Evil is a real growing market,” market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch explained. “Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we’ll see the same results with evil.”

“I’ve been dealing with Microsoft for some time,” Lucifer said. “I’ve been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their ‘Evil Everywhere’ plan. I just couldn’t refuse.”

Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has accelerated in the past five years with the development of the Internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newspaper.

the enlightened rantings of a brain damaged freak