Rule #0: Spam is theft.
- Angel’s Commentary: Spammers believe that no one will notice if they only steal a little bit from every person on the Internet at once.
Rule #1: Spammers lie.
- Russel’s Admonition: Always assume that there is a measurable chance that the entity you are dealing with is a spammer.
- Lexical Contradiction: Spammers will redefine any term in order to disguise their abuse of Internet resources.
- Sharp’s Corollary: Spammers attempt to re-define “spamming” as that which they do not do.
- Finnell’s Corollary: Spammers define “remove” as “validate.”
Rule #2: If a spammer seems to be telling the truth, see Rule #1.
- Crissman’s Corollary: A spammer, when caught, blames his victims.
- Moore’s Corollary: Spammer’s lies are seldom questioned by mainstream media.
Rule #3: Spammers are stooOOpid.
- Krueger’s Corollary: Spammer lies are really stupid.
- Pickett’s Commentary: Spammer lies are boring.
- Salamandir’s Rant: If I didn’t want to hear about it from the spammer, regardless of how amusing, profound, ironic, or whatever you find it, what makes you think I want to hear about it in regular email, on your blog, or verbally? In other words, if your statement starts with the words “I got this really amusing spam message…” I would rather not hear it at all.
- Russell’s Corollary: Never underestimate the stupidity of spammers.
- Spinosa’s Corollary: Spammers assume everybody is more stupid than themselves.
- Spammer’s Standard of Discourse: Threats and intimidation trump facts and logic.
- James’ Axioms of Spammers’ Beliefs:
- Bandwidth is infinite. It possible for infinite messages to occupy the same box at the same time.
- The less value a message has, the more people want to see it.
- The more someone is offended, the more likely they are to buy.
- Reward is inversely proportional to the work done to earn it.
Rule #4: The natural course of a spamming business is to go bankrupt.
- Rules-Keeper Shaffer’s Refrain: Spammers routinely prove the Rules of spam are valid.