The Rules Of Spam

Rule #0: Spam is theft.

  • Angel’s Commentary: Spammers believe that no one will notice if they only steal a little bit from every person on the Internet at once.

Rule #1: Spammers lie.

  • Russel’s Admonition: Always assume that there is a measurable chance that the entity you are dealing with is a spammer.
  • Lexical Contradiction: Spammers will redefine any term in order to disguise their abuse of Internet resources.
  • Sharp’s Corollary: Spammers attempt to re-define “spamming” as that which they do not do.
  • Finnell’s Corollary: Spammers define “remove” as “validate.”

Rule #2: If a spammer seems to be telling the truth, see Rule #1.

  • Crissman’s Corollary: A spammer, when caught, blames his victims.
  • Moore’s Corollary: Spammer’s lies are seldom questioned by mainstream media.

Rule #3: Spammers are stooOOpid.

  • Krueger’s Corollary: Spammer lies are really stupid.
  • Pickett’s Commentary: Spammer lies are boring.
    • Salamandir’s Rant: If I didn’t want to hear about it from the spammer, regardless of how amusing, profound, ironic, or whatever you find it, what makes you think I want to hear about it in regular email, on your blog, or verbally? In other words, if your statement starts with the words “I got this really amusing spam message…” I would rather not hear it at all.

      Seriously, folks. When I get spam like this, it really makes me wonder about who the spammers think they are spamming. At the same time, the mere fact that spammers are content with composing spam of this LOW quality makes me realise that there must be people stupid enough to fall for it, so let’s look at an example here:
      really dumb spam

      1. The message was sent with multipart/html formatting, meaning that it may have malicious code that executes without your being aware of it, and makes it easier for the spammer to disguise the fact that it’s actually spam.
      2. The sender’s name is different from the name indicated in the email address.
      3. The recipient is “Recipients” with the same email address as the sender.
      4. The subject is “YOUR GIFT” in all capital letters.
      5. It starts out with the affirmation that an IMPOSSIBLE person “authenticates” this email, and gives a wikipedia reference.
      6. It continues by stating that this IMPOSSIBLE person has chosen YOU to be the recipient of an allegedly unimaginably large amount of money.
      7. All you have to do is to respond to this DIFFERENT email, that isn’t either the sender’s or the recipient’s email address.

      And that’s just looking at the part of the email that 99.8% of recipients see all the time!

      Seriously, folks… spammers are stooOOOOOpid… 😠

  • Russell’s Corollary: Never underestimate the stupidity of spammers.
  • Spinosa’s Corollary: Spammers assume everybody is more stupid than themselves.
  • Spammer’s Standard of Discourse: Threats and intimidation trump facts and logic.
  • James’ Axioms of Spammers’ Beliefs:
    • Bandwidth is infinite. It possible for infinite messages to occupy the same box at the same time.
    • The less value a message has, the more people want to see it.
    • The more someone is offended, the more likely they are to buy.
    • Reward is inversely proportional to the work done to earn it.

Rule #4: The natural course of a spamming business is to go bankrupt.

  • Rules-Keeper Shaffer’s Refrain: Spammers routinely prove the Rules of spam are valid.

the enlightened rantings of a brain damaged freak