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HOW TO PREPARE YOUR COMPUTER FILE FOR PRINTING

we use both Mac and Windows operating systems with equal facility, so there’s no reason to prepare files specially for one or the other.

PAGE LAYOUT FILE FORMATS PREFERRED

quark xpress 4, 5
indesign CS2
freehand 7, 8, 9, 10
pagemaker 5, 6, 7
illustrator 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

acrobat 4, 5, 6 – files must be saved at a high resolution (“for printing”)

acrobat files that are meant to be printed on the press (instead of digitally) should be colour separated where necessary. if they’re not colour separated, we CAN NOT print them on the press.

we MIGHT be able to accept other page layout file formats as long as one of the above applications can open it.

we CAN accept microsoft word and microsoft publisher files, but we reserve the right to re-set the files using industry standard page layout applications if they give us problems. we CAN NOT get colour separated files from microsoft word.

if your file uses a particular font, please advise us of this when the file is delivered to us and be prepared to deliver the font files if necessary. we have a lot of fonts, so usually this is not necessary, but if you want a particular font and we don’t have it, your document WILL NOT print with the font you want unless it is provided to us.

GRAPHIC FILE FORMATS PREFERRED

native format files we can accept:

freehand 7, 8, 9, 10 – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
illustrator 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
photoshop 4, 5, 6, 7 – line art, greyscale, CMYK
The GIMP – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK
corel draw – line art, greyscale, spot colour, CMYK

CMYK stands for Cyan Magenta Yellow blacK. it is the way that files that are in “full colour” are printed. RGB stands for Red Green Blue, which is the way files that are in “full colour” are displayed on a computer screen. CMYK is an “additive” colour mode, whereas RGB is a “subtractive” colour mode. since printing is a process of “adding” ink to create a printed document, RGB is not an option, because it is not possible to take away ink once it is layed down. ALL FILES WHICH ARE IN A COLOUR MODE OTHER THAN CMYK WILL BE CONVERTED TO CMYK BEFORE PRINTING.

we MIGHT be able to accept other native file formats as long as one of the above applications can open it.

we CAN scan hi-res printed graphics. they will be turned into bilevel (one colour) .tif files, greyscale .eps files or CMYK .eps files, unless we receive specific instructions to do otherwise.

we CAN also accept the following graphic file formats

.jpg
.png
– MUST be 600dpi resolution or higher. colour files will be printed as greyscale, or as CMYK.
.gif

these file formats, plus scans, will most likely be converted into one of the following file formats, which are also acceptable:

.tif – one colour, no greyscale (line art only), 600dpi resolution or higher
.eps – CMYK, greyscale, or spot colour (if it’s set up for spot colour), 600dpi resolution or higher

dpi stands for Dots Per Inch. it is the industry standard measurement for the resolution of a printed graphic. it corresponds with ppi, which stands for Pixels Per Inch, which is the industry standard measurement for the resolution of a graphic on a computer display.

graphic files that are lower than 600dpi resolution will print, but they will look grainy and not at all like they look on your computer screen. this is because your computer screen is 72dpi resolution, regardless of what your screen resolution (ppi) is. the rule of thumb when it comes to creating graphics for printing is “bigger is better”. we can always make something smaller if necessary, but making things bigger is guaranteed to make the printing customer dissatisfied.

we CAN accept other graphic file formats, but we will probably convert them to either .tif or .eps before printing.

if your document contains graphics, you MUST include the source file for the graphic as well as the actual document, if you want your finished, printed document to contain graphics. if they’re not there, we WILL contact you to get them before we print your document, which wastes time and makes a tight deadline harder to keep.

CLEAN UP THE FILE! don’t leave unused graphics or bits of type on the pasteboard, but outside of the printing area of the document. also, don’t include layers that are “invisible” in the document that you wish to print. doing this leads to wasted time finding the links and fonts that are not used. the only things that should be in the file are things that are going to print. if it’s not going to print, then leave it out of the file all together.

where possible, make sure that the “paper size” of the document is the size of paper you want the finished print to look like. exceptions to this would be business cards that print on a “master” or imprints on already printed postcards.

where possible, put crop marks, registration marks, bleeds and so forth on a separate layer. they’re good for layout and proofing, but they’re not always so ideal when it comes to printing.

if the file was made for use on a macintosh, then you should compress the file before emailing it, because if you don’t, then what we receive on this end is a file that cannot be printed, or rescued for any purposes. please use stuffit compatible with Os9, or zip to compress your files.

185

i am beginning to hate indesign. i don’t really know what it’s like on the mac, but on the PC, we’re running indesign CS version 2, i think (although it could be version 3, for all i know), and it has already screwed up several jobs which i could have done more efficiently, and with fewer mistakes on the mac, using quark… except that for his own perverse reasons, majid insisted that i do the jobs using indesign, and then was surprised when they didn’t come out the way he (and i) expected. of course it’s my fault… it couldn’t possibly be the fact that THE SOFTWARE IS DEFECTIVE!!! it doesn’t matter that mistakes like a text box getting slightly narrower than it was originally set, thus making the text it contains go from one line to two lines, don’t happen when i use the mac and quark – i was supposed to notice that it had happened before the job got printed, and certainly before it was due TODAY

the week has gotten even more chaotic than it was before. i have 2 rehearsals, one yesterday and one tomorrow, plus my job, and when i get home, i still am in the middle of box hell despite my concerted efforts to end it, we’ve got a housewarming party on monday, and now, much to my chagrin, moe has decided that we have to go to portland to see her mother’s brother’s daughter (does that make her a cousin or a niece to moe? i’ve never been able to figure that out…), a person who i know only vaguely, get married – an act which everybody that i know, including moe’s mother, think is the worst possible mistake she could make, what with the fact that she’s just graduated from high school, her intended is in the military and will soon be shipped to iraq, and other "wonderful" things like that. so, instead of busting my ass getting ready (and probably failing, but at least i tried) for the party, i’ve got to go to the wedding of someone i don’t know and act like what she’s doing is the most wonderful thing ever, in spite of the fact that nobody believes it… which means that i will fail to get ready for the party, which will make moe upset… 8P

Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

Redmond, WA – Microsoft purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion after many months of tough negotiations.

“We’ve been after Satan for some time,” said CEO Steve Ballmer. “Negotiations were tough, but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal.”

Microsoft already controls 15% of the evil market, and with this purchase that number nears 100%. The Department of Justice voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and launched investigations.

“We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop,” said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. “Businesses haven’t been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office XP, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity.”

“Evil is a real growing market,” market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch explained. “Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we’ll see the same results with evil.”

“I’ve been dealing with Microsoft for some time,” Lucifer said. “I’ve been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their ‘Evil Everywhere’ plan. I just couldn’t refuse.”

Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has accelerated in the past five years with the development of the Internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newspaper.

184

tired.

it’s sunday evening. i should be rested and ready to go to work tomorrow, and to go to rehearsal afterwards, but i’m fucking tired… i worked all day yesterday emptying out the POD, and performing at myron and marylin’s wedding until 11:00 last night, and i got up and finished emptying out the POD today (it’s scheduled for pickup tuesday or wednesday) while watching out for the guy from craigslist who came and picked up the refrigerator and the other guy from craigslist who came and picked up the washer and dryer. now i’ve got to put two working television sets on craigslist and see if we can get rid of them as well, because they don’t accept televisions at the transfer station. i’m slowly getting things whipped into shape, but that doesn’t negate the fact that moe has scheduled a housewarming barbecue for july 4th, and approximately 30 people have confirmed that they’re going to be here, so i’d better speed up the whipping if everything is going to be presentable by then.

the oregon country fair is july 8, 9, and 10, a little more than a week away, and i’m not ready for it yet, but that doesn’t matter, because it’s going to happen whether i’m ready for it or not. this year i’m going to spend more time at the ritz.

183

octo-puppy!

i may be making progress towards ending the chaos at work. this morning majid and i were talking about what to do with the computer situation (lack of filing system, problems with the PC, etc.), and he told me that i had convinced him. later on this afternoon, farah asked me why majid had it in for the mac, and i told her that i didn’t know, but i did know that for applications that did what i wanted to do, consistently, i much prefered the mac to the PC, and she said she would “talk to him” about it… in the way that makes me think she’s getting really fed up with the lack of filing systems that my predecessors have foisted off on me, and other suchlike stuff. i’m slowly formulating a file system: i’ve got most things in one of three places, depending on whether it is for a bellevue customer, a woodinville customer, or i’m not sure. there’s still at least five folders called “trash” in various places on the network that contain large quantities of customer files, in alphebetized folders that i’m not sure about… i found a customer file that wasn’t anywhere else on the network, that i needed to complete a job today, in one of those “trash” folders the other day… 8/

today is our 7th wedding anniversary, and if you didn’t know, i married the best, the sweetest, the most caring, the most loving (hoo yeah!), and the most beautiful woman in the whole world… sorry for all you other people who may think that you’re that person (or are married to that person), but you’re wrong: that person is MY wife, I’M married to her, and you can’t have her! 8)

by the way, a six-legged puppy was dumped at a temple in port klang, malaysia, recently… no shit, there’s really a town called port klang – probably reminiscent of all those gamelan orchestras…

also, the world beard and moustache championship inspires me… i may never get to the point of competition myself, but they certainly give a fine example of an ideal to live up to…

i’m getting really fed up with spam… the spammer’s most recent trick is to send me spam to my hybrid elephant email address, that appears to be from my hybrid elephant domain, but which is really from rr.com and contains a virus… fortunately, their virii attack windows only, and as i am a linux and mac user, i laugh at their feeble virus attacks and report the hell out of them anyway, but i have to be very careful not to report myself in the process. it’s irritating that i have to deal with it at all… any business which uses spam for adverising definitely does not have the priveledge of reciving business from me!

182

okay, now that i’ve actually had the chance to sleep, and don’t have to rush away to my job or to a rehearsal, i have the time to update a little…

the vancouver performances were rained out, which i probably could have told you would happen right from the beginning… what were they thinking, scheduling fire performances in the pacific northwest (well, okay, pacific SOUTHwest, because we were in canadada) in may anyway? ultimately, i spent three days and two nights standing around in a parking lot, in the pouring rain, without enough protective clothing, or even a rain coat, waiting for them to make the decision not to perform, combined with bits of frantic scurrying around unloading and loading the truck, trying (more or less successfully) to get the band gear under the canopies so that it wouldn’t get soaked, and rescuing the surrounding temporary fence which had blown over. i did get the chance to go to punjabi market, where i bought 5 music CDs and a kilo of incense (which, miraculously, i managed to keep dry), and we went out to a big chinese dinner the first night, and i had ostrich congee, which was a lot better than i expected, but on the whole, what with the motorhome being my ultimate destination, the whole trip was a wash. they did offer me a per diem, but i told them that the per diem was for when i had actually performed something.

today’s (yes, today’s) performance is for the fremont solstice parade, and i have to leave in about half an hour so that i can find parking reasonably close to where we are going to perform. this year’s scandal/controversy is over the members of a performance group called PURE, People Undergoing Real Experiences, which has been kicked out of the parade because they were going to run a float which was a pirate ship, and have people suspended by body piercings from the pirate ship… and fremont kicked them out of the parade because "they might frighten the children". personally, if the naked bicyclists are okay, then i don’t see what’s wrong with people who are clothed suspending themselves from hooks, but i’m just the tuba player. EDIT: there were a ton of naked bicyclists all throughout the parade – way more than there were last year – and the PURE group actually crashed the parade, but instead of suspensions from their body piercings, they were bound and gagged and carried signs with the international “not” symbol over a hook – thus meeting the parade organisers’ requirements of having no words in their display… also my parents were there, across the street from the stage where the fremont philharmonic played. i saw them, and said hello. they asked how i was doing, several times, and then walked away without saying goodbye. lame.

tomorrow is the fremont street fair, and the first two performances of "Babes in The Wood", which is another traditional british panto whose story, for those of you who don’t know, is a cross between robin hood and hansel & gretel, only it’s set in medieval england (so they’re "trevor" and "abigail" instead). sasha is friar tuck ("allow me to introduce myself… i’m fire truck. no, wait, i’m trier… er… i’d better be careful, there are kids present…"), but sasha is going to amsterdam and israel, so bradley is his "understudy", with the emphasis on "under"… he’s not the best, but he was the director for last year’s "jack and the bean stalk" and he works cheap.

this year’s performances of babes in the wood are directed by matthew stull, otherwise known as matthew bob, much to the chagrin of moe, who has expressed her extreme jealousy that i get to work with one of the bobs when she introduced me to the bobs music just a few years ago, whereas she’s been a FOB (friend of the bobs) for over 20 years.

whew, we’ve finally got internet at home… things will be back to more-or-less normal soon…

180

things are relatively quiet for a change. the only people in the shop are me and the press operator, greg. farah is at woodinville and majid went off with some guy who spoke persian (or farsi or something that majid also spoke, but that i don’t) and who said he was a buddhist (he asked me if i was jewish, people keep doing that, i wonder why?). i’m caught up, which i get the impression didn’t happen too often before i started… however we’ve got one job which is a full colour, two sided postcard from a senior care company which didn’t know how to spell “alzeimers” or “atmosfere” and wanted us (well, me) to “design a postcard” around a microsoft word document which was a copy-and-paste job from their web site, with no graphics… so i wonder if we’re even going to get paid for this one.

we still don’t have internet at home… as i suspected would happen, when i called wednesday and the guy said that the order was “expedited” and someone would be calling me within 48 hours, it didn’t happen. we did get an automated call at 7:30 am, saturday (grumble, mutter) which said that our DSL service had been hooked up and was available as of 6th june, which it was, only our provider was not drizzle, like we requested, but MSN, which we specifically did NOT request, but when moe tried to hook up her computer last night, it still didn’t work. as of 8:00 am this morning, any further delay in getting our internet hooked up is going to cost someone at qwest $120 an hour for my loss of business.

getting shelves put up, and with the exception of internet, got the computers all hooked up and ready to go. ordered 2 boxes full of boxes from uline for incense storage, so now i don’t have to keep all my incense for sale in milk crates. things are settling in slowly.

179

well, it’s just about over. we finally moved into the house on tuesday of last week, and the phone was hooked up on friday last week, but we still don’t have internet, and who knows when we will have it, because of qwest, so i get to update between jobs. things are going as well as can be expected at work, despite the fact that my bosses are without a doubt the stupidest business owners on the planet – when someone makes an order, they recieve a proof copy, which is exactly the same as it will look when it comes off of the press. then it is their job to proofread it to make sure everything is the way it should be, the spelling is all correct, the typesetting and layout is correct and so forth… except that with farah and majid, they only require the customer to proofread for spelling, and only on the stuff that has changed… the customer is not required to proofread for typesetting or design on jobs that are being reprinted. that, combined with the fact that they have absolutely no backups of any kind, and only a rudimentary filing system makes it practically impossible for me to get any job right the first time, and it means that if the customer doesn’t like what we have printed for them, for any reason, we have to reprint it again (and, potentially, repeatedly) for free, until we get it right. it’s a wonder they have stayed in business this long… also, because of the fact that their customers have not had to take responsibility for their mistakes, they subsequently have developed a long list of extremely spoiled customers who go out of their way to make sure that their jobs are done "right" regardless of what kind of garbage they submitted, and if it’s not done right, guess whose fault it is?

i wonder how long it will be until i get fired…