Ok listen up you ass jockeys because I’m only going to say this once. If I thought I’d have you morons putting idols of me nailed to a goddamned cross up all over the place, I would’ve requested something more aesthetically pleasing. You think I like coming down to earth disguised as a nubile co-ed and seeing reminders of how I died everywhere?

Newsflash: I didn’t die for your sins. I died because some so-called friend of mine ratted me out. That is no big deal. Happens all the time. But man, it fucking hurt up there. And it was hot, too.

But what’s with this nonsense about the bible? Quit fooling yourselves. It is a PARABLE, a story meant to tell you how to live your life. If you believe the earth was created in seven days, I have a freaking bridge to sell you in Manhattan. Asshat.

It’s true: I am a republican. But only because I support state’s rights above federal involvement, not because I think this bullshit in my name is more right than what Vishnu’s got cooking up across the sea. Those whacky bastards are blue and have many arms, did you know that? Fucking crazy!

Do me a favor. People who live in glass trailers shouldn’t throw stones. So please stop heaving rocks in my name, or I’ll come down there and put my neener up to your dome and pop a cap (I’ve been hangin’ with Tupac recently, he’s sweet).

And stop asking what I would do. Daddy gave you free will for a fucking reason, you fucking nutcase. Use it.

But since you keep asking: What would I do? Man, I’d bang your sister, that’s what. But she has crabs. A burning bush, so to speak.

Ok you lot, put that in your pipe and smoke it – this is my word.

Ps – I am currently incarnated as a handsome, virile young man. If you seek to repent, kneel before me. But only if you are an attractive woman who owns black stiletto boots that go up to your knees (and you’re willing to leave them on).