it would have been a lot easier if i had just died four years ago…

i’m depressed again. 8/

i have made the preliminary artwork for a new business card, but they want something that can’t be done in that format for artwork, and while i know that it can’t be done, aphasia prevents me from telling them why, which reduces the probability that i’m going to be the one that prints it for them, even though they’ll get exactly the same response from any printer.

i went to a punk rock flea market recently, and actually made enough to pay for my space, plus an extra $5. among the reasons i didn’t make more money is because somebody complained that they were “allergic to the smell” of the incense i was burning, which resulted in my having to put the incense out and they turned on an enormous fan to “clear the air” in the underground space in which the flea market was taking place. i have made approximately $100 in the past two months. the only incense order i have gotten for two months has been for a variety of incense that i don’t normally carry, which i had to special order, which meant that i had to order $100 worth of incense, $17.50 of which was for the special order, and the rest of which turned out to be 100% incense that i already had, and in the process of figuring this out, i discovered that there was another $50 to $75 worth of incense that i don’t have, but i need because i’m running low. and i can’t return what i received because it was part of a special order, and i would have to return the entire order, including the stuff that i have already shipped out. i’ve actually got a new product – chandrika soap – which will probably sell pretty well, except that nobody knows i have it, because of the fact that i can’t figure out where to put it on my web site.

i went to the neurology vocational services unit at harborview hospital, on the recommendation of someone at the brain injury association, but they couldn’t help me except to recommend that i get in contact with an organisation that provides life-planning services for developmentally disabled people, which isn’t any help at all. the lady said she would get back to me within a week, but she didn’t. i called the brain injury association out of desperation, because i knew from past experience that they probably couldn’t help me anyway, because they never have before, and i was right. people say that i worry too much about things that i don’t know, but i feel like i’m pretty well assured that nobody can help me, simply because everything i’ve tried in the past hasn’t helped, so i don’t know why i should get my hopes up.

i’ve been cleaning up my office (for a week now… 8/ ) because i want to get out my keyboard and work on some musical ideas, which means that i have had to clear space on a table that usually gets used for storage because my office space is so small. i’ve actually got it cleaned up enough that i’ve been able to get out my keyboard, but i’m depressed enough that i don’t feel as inspired as i did a week ago, when i started on the project, and, if things go the way they have been going recently, by the time i am that inspired again, there’s a good chance that the table will have reverted to storage again, which will be complicated by the fact that my keyboard is at the bottom of the pile and i’ll have to clean up again before i am able to work on anything.

meanwhile, my beloved wife has been working her shapely little ass off, seven days a week, for who knows how long now. she’s frustrated because instead of quitting her job and going back to school, which is what she wants to do, she’s had to work non-stop for months now. we took a week’s worth of vacation last month, for the first time since my injury, four years ago, and went camping. the first three days of which started at 7:00 in the morning when they started on the construction project that was conveniently located across the street from where we were camped. we ended up moving our campsite, which took most of the fourth day, and ended up that we were camped right across from the porta-potties because the sewer system was what they were working on at the construction site. i hate to think what’s going to happen if she gets sick and can’t work, or if she gets in a car crash or something.

6 thoughts on “it would have been a lot easier if i had just died four years ago…”

  1. it’s too late, i’ve already got it finished… besides which, i’ve gotta get the disk in a place where i can burn more, otherwise i won’t be able to make more for anybody. but, yeah… it was a pain in the ass. fortunately it’s only going to be a pain in the ass one time.

    the soap and the disk are all packaged up and ready to ship out. the remainder is $3.00 for two bars of soap. you’ve already paid for shipping on the disk and it won’t cost me any more to put the soap in the package, so there’s no extra shipping. if you’re using paypal, mail the payment to [email protected] and i’ll ship it out this morning.

  2. Good God, sounds like it’s more of a pain in the ass to make it for me. ha Please take your time.

    Can you add a couple bars of soap in and I’ll PayPal you for that too, plus whatever additional shipping you suggest?

    I was thinking that too, something like “other scented products”, just as a subcategory under Incense.

  3. the anniversary of my injury is july 14th, (3 days after my birthday, whoopee… 8/ ) and that’s usually the time when i am at the Oregon Country Fair, so i don’t get as much of an “anniversary” depression… except this year i had a major depression as soon as i got back from OCF…

    and, as i said in the previous comment, things don’t suck anywhere near as bad as they could, but that doesn’t help very much.

  4. things don’t suck anywhere near as bad as they could, but right now it doesn’t make that much difference, because things suck and i’m depressed, which makes everything worse.

    your Hollow Music CD is processing right now, but for some reason, my old mac is refusing to see the CD writer (it keeps asking for drivers for an “unspecified QT processor with JG” – whatever that means – and when i tell it to go find drivers on internet, it says it can’t connect, despite the fact that i can connect myself with a browser) and my linux box will burn CDs, but apparently the format that the files are in (.aif) is not supported, so i’m having to batch-convert them to a file format that it will see (.wav) before i can burn the CD… so i probably won’t be able to ship it until tomorrow, which is okay because the post office isn’t open today anyway.

    the soap is 125g bars (the regular size is 75g) and it is $1.50 a bar… but if i put it on my Rare, Choice, Limited Quantity page, which is the only logical place for it, people won’t be as likely to find it as they would if i had an “other fragant products that aren’t incense” page, or something like that…

  5. Well, I don’t know if it happens with everyone, but I get wicked anniversary depression without fail, about a month before the anniversary of my brain injury. (Which was September 25th—that’s right.) It’s easier to bear if I expect it and accept it as part of the healing process, but after 26 years you’d think it would get easier.

    What am I saying? It sucks, but it could be worse—no, scratch that. It gets better, and it gets worse, and it gets better—kinda like life. Sorry I’m not much help.

  6. I’m sorry things are sucking like this right now. I pray good fortune and great relief comes to you and Moe. Your second to last paragraph sounds just like so many concurrently unfolding scenarios in my own house/life. I think you should put the soap in the incense section, I don’t know exactly where. How much is the soap?

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