last wednesday, 260729, i had a therapy appointment at 15:00, and a cannabis permit renewal appointment at 19:00. then, at 20:00, after 26 years of happily married bliss, monique informed me that she is a lesbian, and doesn’t want to have sex with me any longer.
she wants to stay married, wants to continue supporting me financially, and in whatever other way she can. she says marriage is sex PLUS “partnership, support, friendship, time, and security”. she’s just taking out the “sex” part of it, essentially “opening the relationship” so that i can seek out other sexual partners, and so can she… which sounds ideal until you’re a 66-year-old brain-injury survivor (like me) who doesn’t have the time or energy to seek out another girlfriend, and, even if i did have the time and energy, nobody in their right mind will want to hang out with a grumpy old man.
i was, and still am, completely devastated by this development. if i was unsure about wanting to die before, i am completely convinced, now. i’m not sure, at this very moment, that i even want to continue in a relationship with her that doesn’t include sex. i’m only marginally confident that i will EVER want that kind of relationship with her… and yet, if i completely refuse her offer, then i would have to start paying my own rent, buying my own food, remembering to go to doctor and dentist appointments on my own… figuring out how to prevent diverticulitis flare-ups, which — surprise, surprise — have been hinting about showing up again during the past few days… i would have to move out, move my incense business out, move my nursery out, move my workshop out, figure out my SSDI payments and where they go… PLUS somehow find the time and energy to round up a new girlfriend…
if this had happened prior to my injury, i would have been able to take it or leave it. seriously, i was totally prepared to live the life of a celibate monk, prior to meeting monique — perhaps i should have taken the fact that her previous partner was a woman a little bit more seriously — but after my injury, taking sex away from me is one step away from taking MY LIFE away from me, and, quite honestly, i wish somebody would take my life. it would make things a lot easier for everyone.
then, i believe it was sunday 260802 (might have been sunday night, monday morning), my host provider was attacked by ransomware, and all my web sites, monique’s web sites, ezra’s web sites, and everybody else’s web sites on serversdepot.com, INCLUDING serversdepot.com, went down and stayed down for three days — email quit working, of course, which meant that all of monique’s brand new clients, who had signed up on her brand new web site, suddenly were faced with bounce notifications and “server not found” messages, which meant that monique had to get me to track down login credentials for the teachinganimals.com registrar, so that she could go in and change the DNS settings so that her clients had somewhere to sent their emails…
at this point, everything APPEARS to be up and running, again.
life is good. 😒