this is wednesday, so i have been at some friends’ house in auburn for one week and one day. i’m “supposed to” stay two weeks, but that “supposed to” was only intended to be a suggestion, so there’s really no reason i can’t go back home whenever i like, but i’m not, primarily to make M happy, but also to make my counselor happy. also, it has been explained to me (by my counselor, who originally suggested this in the first place), that, in order to avoid causing MORE harm, by cutting us off from each other, there is really no reason why my trips to the house CAN’T coincide with the presence of M, that was M’s fantasy, not my counselor’s instruction.

so, apart from keeping M and my counselor happy, there’s really no reason for this, as far as i can tell. there was when i vacated, and i was actually grateful for a different place to stay for a few days, but now it’s just a chore: get up in the morning, drive to my house to take care of my plants, clean up my email, potentially fill incense orders (i’ve had 3 this week, which is unusual), do laundry, take a shower, leave the house around 13:30, and find a way to drive home that satisfies at least one of the following criteria: it has to take until at least 16:30 for me to get back to where i’ve been staying. it has to be a way that i haven’t gone before. it has to avoid freeways. i have to “get lost” at least once.

i come home again next wednesday 260909… or thursday 260910… i’m not sure, and i want to make sure that M has a say, because a lot of this is for her, as well.

we’re allegedly going on a field trip, thursday, to a place that manufactures container houses. in spite of everything, i’m actually kind of excited about this, and probably would be even if all this other stuff WASN’T happening… but i’m not certain, because M isn’t certain… and i’m not sure she’s not certain because she knew i was kidding, or because she’s tired of dealing with me.

we’ve still got A LOT of therapy ahead of us.

i’m attending a virtual “new member orientation” for the CSPC on the 10th, if they get back to me with a link to the meeting. i THINK it’s a “zoom” meeting, and i think i have discerned what the link is in spite of them not telling me, but i’m not sure. also, my “monogamy-normalised” upbringing causes me to regard things like the CSPC with the utmost skepticism AT BEST so i’m doing this out of curiosity, but i can’t guarantee that i won’t instantly turn into a raving, ravishing sex maniac once it’s over. 😒

i keep on thinking about the character “Dunbar” from “Catch-22”, who tried to make his life seem longer by always doing boring things. he said that, when he did exciting things (like going on a bombing run, because it’s Catch-22), time sped up and it was over more quickly. i’ve found his philosophy to be frighteningly true, and the older i’ve gotten, the more “sped up” things seem to be… i know, in my “old age”, i should be slowing down, smelling the roses, and taking it easy, but i can’t wait for this experience to be something that happened “a year ago”.

and the big problem is that it will SEEM LIKE it has taken no time at all until it actually HAS BEEN “a year ago”, even when i am in the middle of experiencing something that is taking what seems like an AGONISINGLY LONG time to resolve itself. 😒

damned if you do, damned if you don’t… 😒